Happy New Year!
I don’t necessarily hate New Year’s resolutions or goals or vision boards. I love them. I think sometimes we get lost in the sauce. We overcommit, over-plan. Set unrealistic expectations of ourselves and get real in our feelings when we fail.
Oftentimes I think the plans, the vision boards, or the goals require way more patience.
A lot more compassion than we usually give ourselves.
And we need community not just accountability.
I grew up in the Church and heard about accountability all the time. But oftentimes the accountability felt like shame. Sometimes, it was just me. Me shaming myself into submission — trying to change. Trying to be good and acceptable in God’s eyes.
It wasn’t until I became an adult that I realized we are changed by compassion not shame, not punishment.
And I’m even willing to admit that my western view of shame may be very limited to a very individualistic view of self. All the more, I think we need community to help us reach our goals.
Community versus accountability might feel like compassionate critique. It might feel like helping you think through, work through, and sit with the feeling of failure. It’s not always trying to necessarily fix you or something around you. But maybe trying to help you better understand what the problem is. Find better ways of describing how the problem feels or looks like.
If I was honest, I don’t think I do this very well in my own friendships. And I’m working hard to be community for people without trying to rush the friend to the solution. I’m learning to be comfortable with the failure, the disappointment. The detour. The reset.
The biggest problem with New Year’s resolutions is this: we don’t sit long enough with the pain of failure. We hit failure or the one week of inconsistency and we feel doomed.
Instead we should plan for the mistakes. And plan to try again and again, and again. In the words of Aaliyah.
So, pace yourself. GIVE GRACE.
Practically, you may say what does this mean? I think it means we give ourselves space to create new routines or rituals and the GRACE to fall out of the routine when life just happens.
I am learning to expect and plan for more JOY in my life. While I also realize that my expectation of JOY does not mean things go EXACTLY as I have planned.
My expectation of JOY, peace, and adventure will require mental flexibility, emotional attunement, and some spiritual alignment.
Mental flexibility as to not get stuck in how things should look, could have looked, or OUGHT to look.
Emotional attunement to validate what I feel when those disappointments come up. And meet them with compassion, not critique, but comfort, not harshness.
And spiritual alignment to keep me grounded to the present and not stuck in my past, or running too quickly to my future. Spiritual alignment can mean whatever it has to mean for you. For me, it’s prayer, meditation, reading scripture, attending a local church, giving back to my community.
In this new year friend pace yourself. Give yourself time. Give yourself space. Give yourself G R A C E.
Time is not running out.
You are not behind.
You are exactly where you are meant to be.
This version of you will carry you to the next version you hope to become.
You’ve got this! Happy New Year!
Joi McGowan
